Psychology says the reason your marriage is failing has most to do with you

I receive hundreds of messages every week from men and women who are unhappy in their current relationships. They want to understand their problems and their partner’s role in them, even if that means relying solely on unproven “facts” and suffering from analysis paralysis, unable to decide what to do, where to start and whether they should leave or stay.

It’s just not enough for them to ‘know’ the truth, it seems – they need proof and a slap in the face. Well, what follows is that blow. Read on if you’re not afraid of hard truths.

Look, I get it: When your marriage is failing or you’re unhappy or frustrated in your relationship, you want things to change.

The real reason your relationship stinks RDNE Stock Project / Pexels

You want to understand it why they treat you badlywhy they cheated, why they left, why they don’t make time for you, why they don’t appreciate you, why you are miserable in your relationship, and you want to understand why you tolerate it. Here’s the deal. Every time we read an article, watch a romantic comedy, or tune into some recycled sitcom, we seem to get the same tired messages:

Men are inconsiderate assholes who are lazy, stupid, or both.
Women are never satisfied and keep harping on the same things every day throughout the relationship.
Men don’t pay attention to things that matter.
Women pay too much attention to things that don’t matter.
Men don’t do enough in bed.
Women close their legs the moment they say, “Yes, I do.”

One study from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro argues that romantic comedies can damage relationships. These things make us believe three things: men are evil, women are evil, and love is evil. And I’m here to tell you that it’s not these things that are bad; it’s you who sucks. You’re not willing to make the tough decision, face the facts, and move on with your life.

I’m going to tell you why your relationship is bad. It’s because you’re stuck with an absolute jerk. They may not have started out that way, but they are one now. And guess what? You’re still with them! Accountability is tricky, isn’t it?

The real reason your relationship stinks RDNE Inventory Project / Pexels

It’s hard to look at things and admit that we are responsible for our misery.

And please, don’t tell me that story about “you can’t choose who you fall in love with.” That is completely incorrect. It’s a victim statement, where you pretend that life is just happening around you and that you are just a puppet being unfairly manipulated by those in power. Stop it.

You choose to stay in a bad marriage or relationship and it is a direct reflection of what you think you are worth, or how desperate you are to feel loved. That’s why you ignored all the warning signs that you’re clearly in love with a jerk:

When they don’t answer your calls or texts for hours or days.
While they only called when it suited them or when they needed something.
When you caught them sending flirty texts to someone else and then played it off as someone else is “just a friend.”
When they complained and complained and complained about your friends, your job, your interests, your clothes, your haircut, your attitude, your parents and your weight.

This is evident from a study by the Pew Research Center72% of Americans say couples stay in bad marriages for too long. Why didn’t you leave to keep your self-esteem intact? I’ll tell you why. Either you trusted them with your self-worth to change for you (which will never happen), or they offered something that met one of your core needs and gave it to you just often enough to keep you on the hook.

Statistically, many of you reading this are miserable in your relationship, but you stay anyway. You stay and you justify it with reasons about children or finances, when in reality you are just afraid to leave.

You feel comfortable in what is familiar and you are frozen by the fear of the unknown. And you, yes you, the person reading this, shakes your head and says, “No, that’s not me… that’s not me.” Yes! You too. We can all see who you are, fake smiles during family functions and pretend things are ‘fine’ or ‘good enough’.

The real reason your relationship stinks Gustavo Fring/Pexels

Stop complaining about how miserable you are to this person. If you are with someone who makes you miserable, why are you with that person?

If you’re feeling really miserable, do yourself a favor: go home, grab that bag from the top of your closet – you know, the one with all the dust on it – and pack your stuff and leave! Life is too short.

Maybe you are afraid of being alone. Well, guess what? That’s simply not true. There are 7.1 billion people in the world and the gender split is almost 50/50.

So whether you’re looking for a man or a woman, you have about 3.5 billion people to choose from. Those are great opportunities to find happiness.

To the men who complain with statements like, “My old lady changed when we got married.” Real? You didn’t see it the warning signs? Chances are she hasn’t changed. Only now do you see her as she always was. And besides, calling her your “old lady” might make her a jerk — with good reason.

To the women who say, “I just don’t understand. Why does he treat me like trash when I’m so good to him?” A better question to ask yourself is: why are you still with him if he treats you like trash?

Psychology says that the reason your marriage is failing has most to do with you Mizuno K / Pexels

Attribute your worth to something other than a man’s opinion of you. Accept and love yourself for a change.

To the men who complain that their girlfriends and wives stop bothering them after a few years in the relationship: try shaving those matted dreadlocks every once in a while. Do you think your girl will want to get a close-up of the Shih Tzu you have on your lap?

And while we’re there, do a sit-up or two. Be a little proud of your appearance.

For the women who are wondering why he stopped botheringmaybe he will follow your example. He needs the same woman he fell in love with: funny, mysterious, smart, shaved legs, makeup and seductive. Sweats and ponytails are great (and sometimes hot), but if you cut off access to the woman he mentally and physically desires, why would he pursue someone he isn’t attracted to?

Do you really want happiness? Stop making excuses. Don’t stick with a jerk.

Happiness is an inside job and it will never come to you if you don’t take a stand. Do something. Do everything. Just stop pretending that life happens to you. Unfortunately, you are a participant in your misery – and only you can change this.

Charles J Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the critically acclaimed series of relationship books, The problem with women… is men.